[EVA] Newbie FAQ (of sorts...) SPOILERS

[Peter Svensson]

And in speaking of FAQs, the EVA FAQ (the big one) will be posted to the ML 
soon for proofreading. It is getting a total revamp, and will include info 
on the EOE Live Action DVD that is coming out. I'm getting an R2 player just 
for it. But in the meantime...

Hmmm, I posted this on my message board recently. Enjoy.

Okay. This is the End of Evangelion in a nutshell.

Shinji: My mom is dead, my dad hates me, my city blew up, all my friends are 
gone, Asuka's comatose, Rei's a clone of my mom, Misato's gone, and I just 
killed the only person who ever really loved me.
Asuka:...
Shinji: I'm %*&$ed up.

Meanwhile...
Misato: Now I know the secrets of Evangelion!
SEELE: Let us destroy NERV by peaceful means.
Much hacking ensues.
Ritsuko: Even though Gendo used me, like he used my mother, I will set up a 
firewall to protect the Magi.
SEELE: Let us destroy NERV by any means necessary.
Much violence ensues.
Misato: Where's Shinji?

Shinji is all alone.
Misato rescues Shinji.

Misato: Here's all the mythology behind the series that I care to explain to 
you. Humanity is the 18th angel, the angels are alternate evolutions of man 
made of a form of wave/energy, you must destroy the EVA Series, etc.

Asuka: I don't want to die.
Kyouko: Don't die. Die. Don't Die. Don't Die.
Asuka: I'M READY TO KICK BUTT!

Asuka starts kicking JSSDF butt.

SEELE: Lets destroy NERV with our Evangelions.

The Eva series show up.

Misato: Shinji, you have to be a man and pilot EVA. If you pilot EVA all 
your troubles will be over. JUST PILOT IT. If you pilot it, you'll get some. 
(SMOOCH!)

Misato dies.
Shinji can't pilot EVA because the JSSDF has sabotaged the EVA.
Poor Shinji.

Asuka kicks EVA series butt, but runs out of power.
They regenerate and kill her.
Unit One forcibly makes Shinji pilot.

Shinji is almost impaled by the Lance.

Gendo: Rei, I will use you, since you have the soul of Lillith, as a pawn to 
control the Instrumentality. I will stick my hand, which has the body of 
Adam, into you. I am doing this now. I really am.

Rei: No way. I'm going to Ikari.

Gendo: REI!

Lillith: Welcome Home.

The Unholy union of Adam and Lillith occurs, as the EVA series begins to 
focus their powers on the Unit 01, and thus on Shinji.

Shinji: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shinji is mentally tortured some more, just so Anno can prove a point.

Adam/Lillith: What do you want?
Shinji: I wish everyone would just die.

They do.

Shinji goes introspective, and sees a fantasy world. He then changes his 
mind, but not after Anno uses some odd imagery.

Shinji: I want there to be people again.

Rei/Kaworu/Adam/Lillith/Yui: Everyone can ressurrect if they so choose. You 
can be happy anywhere, as long as you wish to be. Many fans will ignore the 
words we have just said.

Shinji says goodbye to his mother, who will live forever as a testament that 
once there was a humanity. She will be alone. Rei blows up.

Shinji and Asuka awake on the beach. Shinji chokes Asuka. Asuka reacts, and 
Shinji cries. Asuka touches him gently, and then.

Asuka: This f^$&ing sucks.

THE END.

Peter Svensson | http://www.comicboards.com/manga

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